So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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