You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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