What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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