break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
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