Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i out mim tonsoeep
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
