I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
