My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
