I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
