I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
