Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
