I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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