Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
