You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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