I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
