I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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