tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
