Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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