can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
