i need an iv and a liver transplant
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I believe in your delicious
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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