Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I've blown a few things in my day
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
