drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
