i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
