Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
