My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
