ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
