my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
