I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
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I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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