So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
