A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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