The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
