i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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