There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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