haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
