so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I want a musical about memes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
