There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
