I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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