just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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