Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Your dad touched me again.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
