Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
im six kinds of drunk right now
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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