420 ftw
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
