That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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