I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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