Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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