1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
