Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
