"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
