Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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