My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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