pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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