yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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