Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
And then he peed in my hair
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