apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
