the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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