life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
