Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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