Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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