I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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