so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
