Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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