on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize